2018 Goals, a few weeks late.

Are 2018 resolutions still resolutions if they aren't written out in blog format in January?

Who knows, but I figured I'll write this out real quick while it's still the 31st just in case my carriage turns into a pumpkin at midnight, or something.

I don't normally do the whole goals/resolutions thing, at least not at the beginning of every year, because I tend to believe that goals can be made and accomplished any time you want and there's no reason to wait until a new year starts to get cracking.

That said, I have a couple things floating around in my mind that I'd really like to work on and I guess if I write them down it makes me more accountable.

1. Work on my fitness.

I know, I know. This is basically every person's resolution every single time the calendar switches over, which is why gym memberships skyrocket and the Nike store is sold out of half their products. The thing is, I had a baby last July. I love her to death, and I wouldn't trade her for the best physique in the world, but pregnancy really took a toll on my body. I had grand illusions of having a "fit pregnancy" and I pinned a crap ton of pregnancy workouts on Pinterest and YouTube with the intention of gaining as little weight as I could while still being healthy and giving Imogen everything she needed. Unfortunately, I was really sick from weeks 6-13, and I literally could not stomach anything but bagels, crackers, bread, and more bagels. Eating healthy food made me sick, not eating anything made me feel even worse, so "carbs" became my safe word. Before having Imogen, I was in probably the best shape of my life. I was going to the gym several times a week, hiking with Isaiah almost every weekend, running and lifting weights and working on leaning out and getting more defined muscles. I had a body fat percentage I was proud of for once in my life, and I didn't want to cry anymore when I stepped on the scale. I've known through trial and error and lots of macro experimenting that too many carbs make me gain weight, so you can imagine what eating nothing BUT carbs for almost two months did to me. I also think my genetics factored in a bit, because I didn't eat THAT unhealthily after I started feeling better, but I ended up gaining 45 pounds. My mom told me she gained something like 60 pounds when she was pregnant with me, but it all dropped off really easily after I was born. I was hoping my own 45 pounds (on a 5'4" body that's not pretty) would drop off just as easily, but - whomp whomp - it didn't.

I wish I could say I've been working really hard at losing weight and I don't know why the scale isn't moving, but that would be a lie. I don't eat like crap - really, I don't - I don't eat much sugar and I don't snack on junk food and I don't overeat - I just haven't been exercising really much at all. Imogen is almost 7 months old, and I still have 30 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

It's my fault, and I'm owning it - but I'm also going to change it. I've started using My Fitness Pal again to track my macros, and now that Imogen is taking fairly regular naps that are longer than 30 minutes I don't have any excuse to not exercise. We have a treadmill in our house, and the way I first started losing some weight back in 2015 was with Kayla Itsines' Bikini Body Guide (circuit training), and I want to start doing that again too. Isaiah and I plan to start going to the gym together again soon, and we even ordered a portable playpen so we can take Imogen and not have to worry about getting a babysitter (we go to the trooper academy gym, so we can take her - in case that sounded weird).

I know a lot of people say "9 months on, 9 months off!" but 2 months from now is an unrealistic amount of time to lose 30 pounds if I want it to stay off, so I'm going to try really hard to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by Imogen's first birthday on July 2nd. That gives me 5 months, an average of 6 pounds per month. I know it's going to take a lot of hard work, but I'm ready. I'm sick of wearing jeans that are 3 sizes bigger than I used to wear, and I'm sick of not being able to wear 95% of my closet because everything is two sizes too small for me right now. I look at pictures from last summer and I want to be really upset that I let this happen, but it's also a little bit motivating because I know what I can accomplish and how I can look if I try really hard, and I'm ready to try really hard.

2. Stop feeling guilty over not being able to breastfeed Imogen.

I haven't blogged much about it because it's still a really big source of guilt and hurt, but long story short, I had every intention of exclusively breastfeeding Imogen until she was at least a year old. For the first week or so of her life, nursing was going really well. She was gaining weight, my milk came in just fine, and (I thought) she was getting the hang of latching. Then something stalled. She stopped gaining weight at an appropriate rate. She was fussy (so, so fussy) every time I would try and nurse her. She would nurse for two minutes, then pull away and start crying and thrashing around and doing this odd little head-banging move. I went to the lactation consultant at our clinic, and we tried so many things. Different positions, different nursing pillows, making sure I had a good letdown (not over/under-active), and so on and so forth. Finally, she checked for a tongue tie and, lo and behold, Imogen had not only a severe tongue tie but also an upper lip tie, which was preventing her from latching properly and, since she wasn't latching properly, she wasn't getting enough milk. In turn, that made my milk supply take a huge nosedive - supply and demand and all that. We ended up flying down to see a specialist in Washington who fixed her lip and tongue when she was 3 months old, but by then, she had already had so many bottles of pumped milk and formula that we were never able to get back to breastfeeding. She would just get so frustrated because my supply was low, she was used to instant gratification from bottles, and every time we tried to nurse, one or both of us would end up crying. The last time I nursed her was November 30th. She wasn't even 5 months old.

I struggle every day with "what ifs". What if we had discovered/fixed her tongue tie earlier? What if I had just tried harder to nurse her? What if she hadn't been born with those issues? What if not being able to bond over breastfeeding hurts our relationship in the future? What if the fact that she's not a very snuggly baby is because she's somehow subconsciously mad at me for not nursing her? What if we have to go through this all over again with our next baby? I know half of those questions are irrational, but being a mom makes you pretty irrational sometimes. Starting now, I want to stop beating myself up over the whole situation, and just be thankful that she is perfectly healthy and thriving on bottles and formula. Besides, we're on our way to transitioning to solid food, and by the end of the summer she won't be needing bottles anymore anyway. I want to just be happy that formula and bottles exist to feed my baby, and not feel guilty and start tearing up every time I run across a blog or Instagram post about someone else's amazing breastfeeding journey. I also want to be proud that we endured so many months upon months of lactation consultant appointments, therapy appointments for her jaw/latching issues, weigh-ins at the doctor to make sure she was still gaining weight, the hours upon hours of pumping I've done in order to give her SOME milk, even if it's not ALL milk - and not have those feelings of guilt come creeping in again every time someone else finds out we're doing bottles of formula now and kind of acts like maybe I didn't try hard enough. It's happened - I don't like it - but I'm done letting it get to me.

3. Curb my spending/earn some money.

I wouldn't classify myself as a shopaholic, but having a baby kind of makes you want to buy ALL THE THINGS. Imogen does not need one more outfit until she actually grows out of what she currently has. She does not need one more toy until she hits a new developmental stage and rattles and crinkle books just aren't fun anymore. She does not need one more book until - okay, that's a lie, she always needs more books.

Still, I need to quit buying her things she doesn't need right now/yet, and instead I'd like to find a way to earn some money from some of the clothes and things she's outgrowing. I've been saving a good amount of her clothes in case we have another baby girl someday, but there have also been many bags donated to the thrift store. I do like donating things so someone else can have nice baby clothes for a fraction of the cost, but I'd also like to start selling some of her nicer stuff so I can recoup some what I've spent on her clothing. There's an app called Kidizen where you can buy/sell new and used baby clothes from other moms, and I'd really like to start selling some stuff on there. I ordered a printer on Amazon so I can print shipping labels (I'm such an adult now!) and as soon as it comes I'm going to try and get some stuff listed. And then put that money into savings and not immediately spend it on more baby clothes.


So, those are the three things I'd like to work on this year. If you have any magic potions to make me instantly drop 30 pounds, let me know - I'm excited to get back into the exercise grind but also very much NOT looking forward to the amount of hard work I know it's going to take. Yikes.